Elegy… (or something like that)

I have found myself in mourning over the passing of a most wonderful entity in my life.  She has literally stood by me for a much too short time. A time I wish I had not wasted by taking her for granted.  Every time I found myself with her I had not considered her presence other than whimsically, now and then, thinking of how beautiful she was.  I’ve only been with her for a few months and will miss her very much. And though I should have been more appreciative, her absence will be most greatly felt. She’s been invaluable to me and my existence and I will mourn her passing for eternity… or until I get another like her that is. 

In July, I had fallen in love with her. I now believe in love at first sight- for I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her. Oh how I loved her! After her discovery, I schemed to gain her attention and, consequently, make her mine. Which in short order came to be.

But as is with most things, all good things must come to an end. I shall miss my friend greatly.

*wineds down the organ music*

Yes yes I know this all seems so dramatic over a pair of shoes but seriously! They’re a great pair and they’re black and white checkered too! Yes, they were painful when worn for more than a couple of hours and could never be worn during the week for I would be on my feet from as early as 7am and not be home before 10pm some nights but the shoes were just so standout-ish-ly awesome I couldn’t help but love her. A few days ago she ripped and now is going to be buried.

But that’s another issue I need to think over. Should I bury her in a shoe box? But she didn’t come in one and so I think I might offend her if I just used any old shoe box. What if I used a Hot Topic shoe box? I do have one at home. But then she’d still be upset over it since it’s doesn’t have her picture on the box and the item discription on it is for some reallllllly nice bright red Mary Janes. So I’m sure that would doubly offend her since those Mary Janes are still in great condition and it would be oxymoronish to have her buried in their box.

So what to do now? Is cremation an option? Possibly, but that just seems rude to me. Cremating her would mean burning up all those beautiful still shiny black and white checkers and I just can’t bear the thought of that.

I must admit it has crossed my mind to throw her away. But it was a fleeting thought and don’t you dare mention it in her presence dead or not! Never could I do that to her. 

Until I figure out what I am going to do with her beautiful corpse I’m just going to have her lay next to my other very much alive and kicking pairs of shoes so that I may admire her. But it will be bittersweet for every time I see her with the others I feel saddened that all I can do now is look at her and not wear her.

*sigh*

Finally an A+

When I walk out of my calculus class I sometimes feel incompetent and unintelligent. Yes everything the professor explains in class makes sense but when I try to apply it afterwards I can’t seem to get it right.  It’s an odd feeling coming from a straight A student when I was in high school. And in college my grade averaged from B+ to A.  So it is difficult to accept that I’m doing really bad in this class.

As I was saying, I leave the class feeling pretty much like a stupid student. But then I go to my Survey of African American Literature class and feel like I’m the smartest one there. I can actively engage in all the discussions and ace all of my papers and exams.  So, consequently, I walk out of this class feeling very intelligent.

It’s a very weird when you get those two conflicting feelings at the same same semester more or less the same day and time. 

I’ve been feeling very bad lately over how terrible I’m doing in calculus and really needed a confidence booster.  I got that last Tuesday. It was my last AFA class and I was going to find out how I did in the course over all. The professor was leaving the country the next day and so had planned out our course so that we’d find out our final grade (and complete our final paper) before the last class meeting.

For the first twenty minutes of the class he talked about how he enjoyed giving the course and how impressed he was at our input and etc etc etc.  Finally, he told us that our class averaged about an A- with a handful of A and only one A+.

I had turned in my final paper the week before, after rushing through writing it and so felt that it wouldn’t live up to my previous papers and course work.  Therefore, I was hoping I at least got an A but was expecting an A-.

Finally, he gave out our final papers so that we may see our grade on that and then collected them because he couldn’t give them back (something about having to keep it for records) and he hadn’t had time to make copies of all of them so if we wanted a copy we’d have to get that after class was over.

I got my paper and it had , in large red ink, 23/25. I flipped over the 7 pages of writing and on the 6th he made a very nice comment of how he really liked my writing and my in class discussions etc. The 7th page contained my extra credit paper, which I did just on a whim because I thought my main paper wasn’t as good as it could be. On that last paper was, again in red ink, written EXTRA CREDIT 5/5. So in total I got 28/25 on my final.

In all honesty, I was surprised. I didn’t expect to get such a good grade on this last paper.  The professor then collected all our papers and gave us our final grade envelopes that contained a detailed account of the semester’s assignments and their scores. I open mine and see a nice healthy looking A+ as my final grade.

You can’t imagine how much of a confidence booster that was.  But it didn’t stop there. 

I followed the professor back to his office after class was over to get a copy of my paper. He asked me what I was planning on doing after I graduated and suggested that I go into communication. He was very impressed by my writing and discussion skills and said my presentations were really good.

My was that a REAL confidence booster and yet that wasn’t the end of it.

He then suggested that I go study in Europe for a semester and said he would personally help me find scholarships and fellowships that would pay for it. I have been planning on taking a summer off and going to Europe, but if I can get a free ride as well as learn more then why not?

This is what apparently happens when you end up making a good impression on your professor besides the fact he ends up being the Chair(person) of the department.

Well at least I know I’m doing extremely well on two of my four courses. Lets hope I pull through on the other two.

Fingers crossed.

(To all out there who celebrate: Eid Mubarak!)

Never Gonna Win

Apparently, I must be the only exception when it comes to good grades, studying and the relationship they have.  It’s common knowledge that the more you study for a cours the more likely you are to do well- right?

So why am I freaking doing worse?

Two examples:

1. Calculus: Exam one came and went, I didn’t study much for it. Crammed like hell about ten minutes before the exam began and I passed the test.  Exam two came up and I took half a day off of work to study for it. I went straight to the library and studied for about four hours before the test and felt very good about it. I failed said exam. And not just failed, I got 20 points less on it than I did on the first exam. So it wasn’t a barely fail. It was a major fail.

2. Biology: Ok so I “bomb” the first exam and quiz. I get better on my quizzes because I’m able to study a little bit more for them. Don’t do well on my second exam but the time I had planned to study for it got majorly screwed up so I only had about twenty minutes before the exam to cram. Still passed both exams. Of course I didn’t do wonderfully on them, but I did enough to pass and have a C average in the class.  Last Friday I had the third exam, I literally had all day to prepare for the exam and I did. I felt very good going into the exam and even left feeling like I’d done so much better than I had on the first two exams. I wasn’t rushed and I felt I’d retained enough of the information this time to do well. I just checked on my grades today and found out that I barely, just barely, passed the third exam. In other words out of the three exams this is my worst grade. Additionally, the past two quiz grades were horrible.

Of course I’m sailing through my two other classes with a most definite A in both but those come so naturally to me that I don’t even need to study much for them. And whatever studying I do have to do comes easily to me.

So am I just weird and an exception to the general rule? Or am I doing something wrong here? Anything wrong with the equation? 

*shrugs* I should ask my calculus professor.

And so life goes on…

There is one lesson in life a person will realize at some point. If no other lesson is learned this one is the one I would bet money on.

I have been extremely busy since my decision to move on with my life and leave a person that used to be very important to me.  Besides it being a very good decision, it indirectly affected my views on the events that have occurred thus far.

My pursuit in changing my status at the university of Michigan from an out of state resident to an instate resident has been fruitless. Every semester I hope and every semester I am disappointed. Though I’ve been in Michigan for over a year now and pay resident taxes and have a full time job (and the list can go on) apparently it still doesn’t count towards the picky board of residency at the university. I’ve decided that, since they don’t want to give me what is rightfully mine (based on their criteria) then I don’t want to keep giving my- much too expensive as it is- tuition to an institute that will ambiguously  tell me that I’m not ‘permanent’ enough for them.  Well I satisfy their criteria and therefore should be considered ‘permanent’ and yet they tell me I still don’t demonstrate. Seriously, how permanent does permanent get?

So what am I going to do now? Well I’ll most definitely not completely quit school. I’ll just wait and keep applying until I do get residency. After that we’ll talk school.  For now I’ve got a lot to straighten out.

First, I’m working on complete in-dependancy. That will start as soon as this semester is over. This semester I had to end up getting a scholarship that I would rather do without (long story). Anyways, this means working more so I can save more money to put towards a college education where I can actually focus on it instead of have my focus divided so much between work and college. I hate not being able to give my education the time and effort it deserves. And right now I’m putting too much money and not enough time into it. And therefore, I’m not getting as much as I should out of it.

I know though that just having my full time job at the school I work at is definately not going to be enough for me to keep boredom away (remember there’s nothing going on in the area I live here in Michigan!) So, I need to find a part time job to keep me occupied and to be able to put the money desired aside. I found the perfect one. I applied and hope to hear from the library soon.  Yup working at the public library will be an amazing experience.  Even if I don’t get this job, I’ll keep trying to find something- there’s no quitting.

And to be able to commute (to work, work and home) without any trouble means that I must start thinking of getting another car. Ok I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, but had it on the back burner for much too long. It now decided to make itself heard.  I know from last winter how much I had to spend to fix my current car and I don’t really want to deal with that this winter.

And winter has truly decided to show itself already. It’s freezing here. And before I know it, it will be snowing and sticking. So what to get? A used car without knowing its exact history or a new one that costs and arm and a leg? After much thought and research, I’ve decided to check out a Nissan Versa at the dealer. If everything works out I’ll be having a spankin’ new car by the end of the month. If not then I’ll keep my search up.

This only means more worry. Making sure that all payments are accounted for. That means tightening of the belt too. But I can do it. Just like I was able to get myself out of a country I couldn’t stand. Just like I was able to prove to myself that I needed to only depend on myself (wa tab3an Allah). I can do this.

So pray that I get this job at the library. I’m so excited and nervous. I know I fit the description perfectly so lets hope they think so too. And from there we’ll see how life unfolds.

Because one day it will hit you…

No matter what: life moves on. No matter what.

Devastated

I know it can be devastating when a friend (a very extremely close friend) cuts you out of her life. In the beginning when my friend cut me out of her life I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt alone. I felt hurt. I felt violated and needless to say more than devastated.  I felt worthless and helpless. I didn’t know how I would go on (yes dramatic I know but that’s honestly how it felt).

Of course I had other friends that tried their best to help me out and keep me from becoming too depressed.  Though at the time it helped very little but now I realize that if I didn’t have those friends around me I would have probably done a few very foolish things I would end up regretting.  

It didn’t help matters that I was within more than enough close proximity with this friend. We lived near one another and mixed with the same general crowd.  It hurt to see her at the other end of a room/building we were in. 

I felt lost.  I didn’t understand why she had cut me out of her life. And though now I understand and can be charged with the same crime (of cutting someone who cared deeply for me out of my own life) it still hurts.  I know we are both probably better off not being close and barely associating with one another but it sure does still hurt very much to lay eyes on her more or less talk to her.  It’s like the wall that now separates us is so foreign to me I’d rather not have anything to do with her or remind me of her than have to see it between us.

I know that we will never have what we had.  Even if we could, I don’t think I would want it.  I couldn’t stand disappointing her anymore than I already have and I know if we rekindled our friendship I would most assuredly do so (disappoint her I mean).  And I’m sure this ‘foreign wall’ that separates us now is much too strong for either of us to completely destroy. It’s as if we’re on two different planes of reality. Ones that will never meet again. At one point they did but then they split paths and went in completely separate directions.

Almost a year later, now, I understand, have come to terms, and have accepted all this. For all you who are going through a similar experience of being cut out of someone’s life I assure you one day you’ll understand why it happened.  You may not like it but you’ll realize it was most probably for the best.

As the saying goes: When God shuts a door He opens up a window somewhere.

Make sure to find that window.

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime: Which?

I couldn’t remember the exact way my friend had put it. So I decided to get the help of some of my friends (thanks you know who you are!) and found it. Don’t know who wrote it or said it or how it came to be but here’s what my previous post was referring to:

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you
have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Finally: Understanding

Almost a year ago a very close and dear friend of mine cut me out of her life. Completely. She didn’t want to talk to me or hear from me.  I couldn’t understand. What had I done that was so bad that could cause what we had to completely fall apart? And not only fall apart but cause the person who I knew I could confide in with anything not ever want to talk to me again? 

I didn’t understand and wouldn’t for almost a year.

I recently have done the same to a once very close and dear friend of mine. A person I was willing to create a life with.  A person I loved.

Now I realize why my first friend cut me out of her life.  I was suffocating her- our friendship suffocated her. Until she could handle it no more. I’m sure every time I disappointed her she gave me an excuse or said I would do better. She hoped I would end up rising to her expectations but I doubt I ever did or ever will.

I made similar excuses for the person I ended up cutting out of my life. For over two years I said this person would grow into a person I could respect and stay in love with. Then I realized I was deceiving myself. Not until the breath was being suffocated out of me in this friendship did I realize that the only way for me to stay whole would be for me to cut that person out of my life completely.

I am much happier for it.

Some people come into your life when you need them. And when that need is no longer there that person no longer has a place in your life. It sounds cruel but it really isn’t.

A while back I was told that there are three kinds of friends: 1. Those who come into your life and stay forever, 2. Those who come and take part in helping you become who you are and then leave when no longer needed or when their deed is done and I can’t remember what the third kind is (anyone know/remember?).  

My point is that to my friend I was the second type of friend for her. She needed me at a certain time and that time passed and so our friendship was no longer able to survive and so apparently is the case true vise versa.  And the person I ended up cutting out of my life was a #2 friend as well. 

Indeed we grow and (hopefully) become better people from the people we come across and the experiences we go through with them.

~ Breaking Away ~

When a person gets too wrapped up in something, it’s hard for them to realize that their original goal in undertaking this something has been lost or forgotten. Sometimes people never realize this and others find out much too late. A select few realize this just in time to save themselves from a lot of stress, heartache, worry, etc etc.

One might intend everything for the best. Going about trying to do their best in the situation and yet realize a while later that they had just convinced themselves of it rather than truly believed it.  One may intend well and yet the result is anything but good.

And yet the person finds herself in a situation of ‘enlightenment’ (for lack of better words) where she knows she can either keep pretending and go along with the conviction or break away and do what is right for her (even though it might mean hurting others or making others look unfavorably upon her and her actions because those looking in will never be able to truly understand why this person is doing certain things and what is causing her to do so).

Letting go is probably the most difficult thing a person will ever be able to accomplish in her life.

The actions that lead to letting go and breaking away are probably the most difficult and therefore something many fear and shun. The unknown or whatever is to happen after the initial ‘letting go’ is another thing that keeps people in shackled to a life they do not like and are unhappy in.

And yet people would rather stay unhappy than ruin the ‘perfect’ little world they had set up around them. It’s too hard to let go. 

Yes it is. And that is why it’s so important to do so.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though letting go seems scary and something you might shun, you probably should take a closer look at this option before discarding it. It might actually be the right thing to do.

Letting go is hard. That’s true. It’s painful, yes. But it’s worth it. At least for me it’s helped a whole hell of a lot.  

Yes getting attached to something, be it a way of life, a habit, a person or anything else, is sometimes good for a person. However, when this attachment causes you to hurt and stress out and lose view of your priorities then its time for a revamp and a reconstruction.   

Don’t worry about how this will effect those closest to you, they’re all adults and fully able to take care of themselves. Sometimes you do need to be selfish and think of what is right for you and act upon it for once.

It’s hard.

Yes.

But it’s not impossible.

And sometimes, just sometimes it’s the right thing to do.

Couch potato? I think Not.

I have decided that couches are awesome. Much more comfortable than beds. That’s why I’ve set up permanent residence on my couch. It’s that much nicer, sleeping on the couch, than sleeping on my bed. Besides, this leads me to believe that couches are under-appreciated and beds are overrated.  Seriously, couches almost always have negative connotations, couch potatoes and if someone is in trouble with their partner the “dog house” is usually the couch.

I refuse to see the couch as a negative thing and will begin to appreciate it as it deserves. All hail the magnificence that only a couch can bring to a person’s life!

*falls asleep on the couch*